Vanessa L. Jackson
Philadelphia business owner Tony Horn has done this before. The feat is not new for this husband, father and self-described romantic.
He is preparing dinner but stops, only to check the time. It’s 4pm, Wednesday and his wife Brenda is due home in two hours.
Dinner is complete. Symphony chocolates, Votivo burning candles, flowers – callalillies, to be precise, are strategically placed in their suburban home. The aged wine is chilled. The hot bubble bath is waiting.
Enter Brenda Horn.
It’s not their anniversary, her birthday or a scene from Desperate Housewives. It’s just, on occasion, something they do.
The clock strikes 9pm. The two now reside in the master bedroom. No other details are needed.
So why does pop culture perceive that sex after marriage is monotonous?
“Our culture…leads us to believe that it’s about physical passion,” says Lane S. Anderson, III Ed. D, a relationship expert at The Anderson Center for Positive Human Development in Mebane, North Carolina.
“Sex is about the soul, heart and mind…it’s about giving to another person.”
Keep in mind, however, that sex-in-marriage statistics aren’t as bad as one might think. Barry McCarthy, a certified sex therapist and professor at American University found that four out of five marriages and two out of three cohabitant relationships have a “good level” of sexual activity. Also, the national senior organization AARP sponsored a broad study that concluded sex is important and satisfying to a majority of middle-aged and elderly Americans. The desire doesn’t stop as you get older.
And after 24 years of marriage and two children, Tony Horn has managed to keep the love alive and disprove the pop culture myth.
“It is about the degree of care in learning your mate,” Tony said. “Get into your mate and find what turns her on. You have to understand what they appreciate and really like… without them asking for it. Once you have accomplished that… you must cater to that.”
Dr. Anderson suggests many ways to keep your sex life active starts within the marriage itself. Following some tips can help ensure a successful sexual relationship.
Make her wait 600 more seconds
A woman tends to back off when approached aggressively. Keep in mind, though you both are lusting your approach may interfere with the mood. Slow down the process for ten minutes. This simple change in approach has a major effect.
“A woman wants to be lusted after and pleasured.” Joyce Penner, a sexual therapist, educator, and co-author of Getting Your Sex Life Off To a Great Start, said. “Sexual pleasure is the greatest when both parties are free to initiate. It actually works best when the man concedes with his wife and loves and adores her rather than pursue her sexually.”
Spice up your love life with a three pack
Condoms are also a biggie. You may think, “we’re married we don’t need condoms.” You might not, but couples do use condoms. You can spice up your love life with a simple three pack. Glow in the dark, flavors and textured condoms litter your nearest drug store and come with the added bonus of birth control.
Keep the chemistry
As time progresses you will work harder to maintain your chemistry. When you feel the rug has been pulled from your sex life and the sparks aren’t there, it’s because dopamine, norepinephrine and other chemicals aren’t produced as rapidly as years prior. It becomes less about the sexual thrill and more about loving intimately. Search for new ways that allow for intimate growth.
Dust off the bookshelf
Learn! Sex at age 20 is quite different from sex at 30, 40, and 50. Your testosterone levels decline and your erections are fewer with age. This is especially true beginning in your 40’s. But a woman’s estrogen and progesterone levels drop as well. With age comes change. Make sure your sex life continues to thrive by becoming familiar with a new definition of sex from you’re 20’s, 30‘s and 40’s.
Schedule a Date
Spruce up your relationship, schedule a date for sex. Earn bonus points by telling your wife a limo will pick her up from home and the only requirement is to wear the lingerie from Valentine’s Day.
Kerner also suggests adding new erotic ideas, role-playing, introducing sex toys, and living out your fantasies. Be willing to try new things and not get stuck in the same routine.