Vanessa L. Jackson
Adriano sneaks up behind Vania and leans his body against hers. He picks Vania up, places her on the counter and begins to unbutton her form fitting jeans. Her hips look sexy in them. They’re playful, kissing and touching each other all over. Tonight, Adriano selects his wife for dessert in the middle of their Newark kitchen. The papaya she prepared goes untouched.
The 39-year-old Brazilian father of four has been married for four years and enjoys sexual pleasure. His wife, Vania, was diagnosed with breast cancer eleven months ago. Adriano had no idea what toll this would have on his wife or their family, and her diagnosis has brought new challenges. Vania’s been going through treatment, had a mastectomy and Adriano shaved her head.
Concerned for his wife’s wellbeing, Adriano initially didn’t think about how her diagnosis would affect their sex life. During one of her doctor’s appointments, he asked if it was safe and okay for them to have sex. The doctor looked at Adriano, smiled at Vania and encouraged them to have sex.
“We have sex four to five times a week,” he boasts.
Sex can be fun and exciting. But, it’s a no brainer that it will change throughout the decades. Careers, stress, busy schedules, children, weight gain, money, maturity level and unexpected illness are all issues that can affect your sexual habits. Aging also plays determining factor. Tantric positions from your twenties and thirties may lead to emergency hospital visits or not so memorable accounts in your sixties and seventies.
“The frequency of sex has a tendency to decline as you get older,” Dr. Dan Lier, relationship, sex and communication expert of www.askdanandmike.com and co-author of “MEN: 10 Secrets Every Woman Should Know from Two Guys that Do” says. “Yet with proper communication, sex can actually increase as far as satisfaction and connection.”
Understanding your sexual appetite, or sex drive, is imperative to making it through the decades. It’s a misnomer to believe men have a greater sexual appetite. Hers can be higher than yours. Whether identical or not, communicating consistently about sex before and during your marriage is essential. If your sexual hunger do not align but the communication is great, you can still enjoy sex into your seventies.
According to Dr. Brian Grossman, a Los Angeles based psychologist, a couple in their twenties can expect sex to be frequent. You’re young, vibrant, in good physical health with a high energy level and good libido. On average, couples in their twenties have sex four to five times a week. As you hit the thirties, life begins to happen. Your stress level, happiness with your kids and spouse, physical health, communication and feelings about intimacy all play a part. Couples in this age group average sex two times a week. With the fun of your thirties in the rearview, intimacy is the focus in your forties. The sex is good but the frequency usually drops to one and a half to two times a week, if you’re not having blood pressure issues or body aches. So you better stay in shape. Then the roaring fifties hit—the kids have moved out and with good communication and love still prevalent. You’re back on top of the world, sex tends to increase.
No matter your age, don’t be afraid to try new things or go back to what you did while dating. Hold hands or take long walks together. Send enticing text messages or emails to each other. Just remember anything in cyberspace can come back to haunt you. Instead of having dinner at the dining room table, have a candlelit dinner outside on the deck.
“Just like a car, your relationship needs maintenance,” Dr. Debra Laino, a board certified sexologist, sex therapist and mental health professional out of Wilmington, DE says. “After years of being married, the passion may fade away and your relationship may become mundane.”
Marilyn Diamond, author of “Sexy for Life,” who’s been married to her 56 year-old husband, Rock, since 1996 says, “Sex doesn’t happen if you don’t have a constant lifestyle of foreplay. It takes imagination.”
At 67, Marilyn has kept her sex life active with her husband Rock over time by dressing up for him, role playing, holding hands, taking walks, cooking together, playing love songs and doing things together. Many of the things they did together 15 years ago.
Both men and women like to be touched. There is a difference between a stroke and pawing like an animal. Discover new spots that she’ll enjoy. The back of her neck and earlobes are sensitive places. Continue searching for new erotic areas.
“When you keep the love going, good things keep coming to you and life becomes very pleasurable,” Marilyn advises. “When you focus on pleasure you get more pleasure.”
According to Dr. Laino, as men age, sex is less physical as men become better lovers. The years bring comfort with yourself. You learn better control and are able to last longer.
At 39, Adriano is preparing for sex decades from now. He’s happy to enjoy the balance of sex 234 times a year while supporting Vania as she heals. He says staying active, being creative and making moments out of everyday occurrences keep their sex life dynamic and Vania’s spirits up.
“You both need to have a very healthy mind and leave your worries, bills and everything outside the home,” Adriano advises. “Your home is your haven, your perfect world and your bed, sofa or any other place you decide to make love is very special.”
Even if simple papaya was the dessert for the evening, Adriano believes their sex lives will always be great, no matter what.